These fast answers come in many different forms. There’s the “orange peel theory” that examines how caring somebody is by asking them to peel an orange for you. The “olive theory” suggests that a relationship is more likely to succeed when two people have opposing tastes, such as one liking olives and the other hating them.
If somebody is really fed up with how they’re being treated in a relationship, there’s the “let them theory,” which is a stance popularized by self-help author Mel Robbins. It advises letting go of any attempt to control or change the other person in favor of focusing on yourself.
Most recently, the “leaf test.” This was inspired by a satire clip making fun of these viral relationship tests. In the video, a woman reacts negatively to her boyfriend when she shows him a leaf, and he tells her that “it’s beautiful, just like you.” Many viewers, however, took this seriously, and decided that the “correct” response was to show equal enthusiasm for the leaf.
These simplistic analyses are not entirely without basis. Back in the 90s, psychologist John Gottman claimed to be able to predict the longevity of a marriage by seeing how many small requests for a partner’s attention, known as “bids,” were accepted or ignored.
Unsurprisingly, TikTok has made a test out of this too. The “bird theory” dictates that you should gauge your partner’s reaction when you tell them that you saw a bird as a way to figure out if they accept your bid for connection.
Most would argue that feeling valued and appreciated is a reasonable expectation for anybody who is in a relationship, which is the ultimate concern of these so-called “theories” and “tests.” If you can make that happen in a way that translates into content, then you can get the validation of an audience approving of your partner’s treatment, too. In contrast, sometimes those who are unhappy desire witnesses who will commiserate with them over whatever transgression that the person who is supposed to love them has committed.
Heterosexual relationships have received some critical press with last year’s Viral Vogue article “Is Having a Boyfriend Embarrassing Now?” It described a trend where straight women chose not to share everything about their partner on social media. They would refuse to post pictures of their faces or would even announce engagements without revealing the identity of their fiancé. Writer Chanté Joseph concluded that “women don’t want to be seen as being all about their man, but they also want the clout that comes with being partnered.”
While those engaging and posting about these relationship tests are clearly more comfortable in sharing their partner with the public, they are similarly concerned with balancing their self-image with being part of a couple. They aspire to show the world the princess treatment that they surely deserve, or prove their victimhood at the hands of somebody who doesn’t appreciate the person they are sharing their life with.
The collective relationship theories of TikTok have an adversary, in a genre of content that The Cut recently dubbed, “I love my husband (who hates me).” Women take to the app to share insights into their relationship with their husbands and boyfriends that inspire outrage in viewers. One man tries to break a bottle of his wife’s favorite perfume, and damages the bathroom sink instead. Another one is tasked with packing his wife’s lunch for work, giving her several opened packages and a portion of dog food with a note claiming “you’re my dog.”
On one level, it is successful engagement bait, almost guaranteed to attract a deluge of commenters criticizing the man’s actions and the fact that the woman appears to accept them. On another, it feels like a relationship test of the content creator’s own devising, one that draws negative conclusions based on the limited evidence shown.
Many women who post these kinds of videos seem surprised when they elicit the response that they should consider ending the relationship. They often end up defending their partners against the accusations they face in the comment section. To them, it’s less of a shock that their partner failed a made-up exam than the actual failure of said exam. The experience is less embarrassing when there is a guarantee that many of those who watch it will have your back.
The reason that most people seek romantic love is the hope that a partner will make their lives better. Judging by social media, there are a lot of people who are unsure what qualifies somebody to do this for them. No trend is going to tell anybody in a relationship, good or bad, what they don’t already know deep down. However, it is a compelling way to avoid doing the difficult work of knowing yourself well enough. The only validation you need is for your partner to meet your personal standards, and not those set by the internet.
